Petrol and pizza

Toxic Terry is back! He was there last night hanging about outside the main gates as i was leaving. Fag in one hand and a plastic bottle half full of petrol in the other. I've not seen him for years! I thought he's killed himself the last time he set himself on fire. Why anyone would want to swig unleaded is beyond me and why he chooses to loiter outside the zoo is anybody's guess.

Anyway, I managed to sneak past him, get in my bubble car and whizz away quickly. He chased me though - I could see him in my rear view mirror! This morning he was asleep in the bushes near the gates so I managed to get in without much trouble.

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This morning has already been quite exciting. I was feeding the red pandas a bit of Domino's pizza that I found lying around in the staff room when one of the little critters did a really big burp and I swear to God he burped the word Barbara! I couldn't believe my ears! I tried to get him to do it again but alas - nothing, just a faint whiff of cheese and bamboo leaves.

Dancing birds.

Well the dance was a bit of a wash out. The only notable events were when Racist Julie started a fight with Anthea from the insect house and when I sat in a puddle of Baileys on the dance floor when we were doing Oops Upside Your Head and got a dirty great stain in my lilac hot pants.

The meerkat in my locker's starting to reek now. I'll have to get rid of it pretty soon before they start asking questions. For the time being it's in a Marks & Spencer bag and wrapped up in an old cardigan and every now and then I febreeze my locker but still - it's really not very nice.

A funny thing happened today - I was heading towards the elephant enclosure, I passed the Japanese gardens and went down the hill towards the flamingo lake where I noticed some of the birds acting strangely. They were all shuffling around in what appeared to be random directions but slowly as I watched them they formed a perfect straight line. A few seconds later they all started doing high kicks in perfect unison! It was like watching the Tiller Girls in action! I shouted to Vinnie who was picking up an old nappy from behind a bench nearby and he came running but by the time he got there they'd all dispersed again and he didn't see a thing! He says he thinks there's something wrong with me. That's not very nice is it?



Barbara

What a tangled web we weave...

I was in the giraffe house earlier on today filling up Chad and Chantelle's food. We put it in big string bags quite high up so they can graze naturally. Anyway as I turned round to grab another handful of hay from the wheelbarrow I felt this tugging on my head! I'd got my weave tangled up in the bloody feedbag!

Well I struggled for a bit but it just got more and more tangled and there was no one around to help me. Next thing I knew Chad was there poking me in the middle of the back with that big thing of his! I had to punch him in it to make him get off and he trotted off with a whelp! It was truly awful!

Eventually I managed to pull free from it but not without tearing out a big clump of my weave. I'll just have to comb it over till I can get it sorted. I bet Oprah never has these problems with her hair. The dance is in a couple of days as well! I must get it fixed by then - I think I'll treat myself to a pedicure too whilst I'm at the beauty shop.

A violent attack.

I was in the zoo cafe this afternoon having cottage pie and chips for me dinner - it was delicious with a few slices of beetroot and a dollop of gravy. It struck me, whilst eating, that the vinegar jug looked a little bit like a douche - except without the balloon bit on the end. Anyway after I'd finished I went for a quick stroll around the grounds whilst I had a ciggie and noticed a meerkat loose near the sealion pool. Before I knew it that bleeding penguin was making a bee line for it and launched itself directly at it! Anyway - long story short - I've now got a dead meerkat on my hands. Literally. I've got it in my locker. I panicked and instead of calling the vet I stuffed the thing in my body warmer and took it back to the staff room. I'm not sure how to deal with it now. I should have just told someone straight away but now it looks suss if I own up to it hours later. It's a bit of a worry.

Revenge

I was talking to Racist Julie who looks after the Camels at the zoo. She told me that she's been having an affair with Bob for the last six months. Well I'm not best pleased with this situation as Bob's missus is expecting their fourth baby in May and Julie's husband Arnie is lovely. I did promise not to tell anyone so I have to come up with some way of exacting my revenge on her. I've started by slipping a couple of pubes into her duffel coat pocket and I might try feeding the camels a laxative - see how she likes that!
That mental penguin is playing up again! I caught it playing chicken this morning. The silly bugger was legging it through the tiger enclosure screaming at the top of its voice. I thought it was just a bad choice of direction and it had taken a wrong turning but no... It kept going back and dashing through the enclosure time and time again getting closer to the tigers with each sprint! It's going to get itself snaffled up if it's not careful!

That's it my lovelies.

Babs xx

Trouble

Can you believe they're blaming Norman's death on me? Outrageous! They think I have brutalised him! All I did was kick him a little bit! Anyway - the buggers have given me a written warning and I have to take it on the chin (a bit like Norman) and move on (sadly not like Norman.)

One of the penguins is playing up now too. It keeps running headlong at the visitors screaming like a banshee! I tell you it's scary stuff. I think it's eaten something it shouldn't've done. It puts me in mind of Alanis Morissette on a bad day.

Anyhoo - must dash my lovelies

Barb x

Life and death

Do ghost-cats exist? What do you think? I've been discussing it in some depth with Anthea over at the insect house. We both think that they do and I think I've seen one. Last Wednesday evening I was in the kitchen making some marmite on toast for my tea when out of the corner of my eye I saw this lump on the floor and heard what I can only describe as a vibrating cat noise... Well I can tell you it freaked me out! I spun around to see what it was and there was nothing there... very spooky indeed! I shan't be eating marmite on toast in a hurry if that's the sort of things that it can summon up!

Tragic news my friends. Norman the tortoise has been found dead. He was lying in a ditch not far away from where I last saw him near the primate house. His little feet were sticking right up in the air and he's gone all boss-eyed. Nobody knows what happened but I suspect foul play! I reckon that peacock that had a go at me the other day has something to do with it but nobody wants to listen to me. Anyway they're going to check the CCTV records to see what happened immediately before his death.

In other zoo news it seems that Arnold the Orangutan has been hiding a secret. Arnold, it can be revealed, is up the duff and therefore we can only conclude that he has been hiding his ovaries from us all for the past four years. Sneaky bugger! Anyway - I suppose it's still good news.

Must get off now - I have to go and scrub up some puke which some school child kindly left for us outside the bat enclosure. Joy!

Bye for now my lovelies

Barbara x

Anger Management

As far as I can tell Peacocks are the angriest birds in the world. I was walking across the car park this morning when one of the little gits went for me! It came out of nowhere and flew straight for my back. I shook it off and started running but it ran after me and kept launching itself at my face! Eventually I fought off the little shit and managed to tread on it's neck - you wouldn't believe the noise that comes out of one of those things! Eventually it started to calm down - I think it was running out of breath - and it gave me just enough time to get away and into the entrance building.

It's still out there you know. I reckon it's waiting for me. I saw it outside the canteen window at lunch time. It kept jumping up to the window and squawking and flapping its wings. It had a very angry look in its eyes and a slight bend in its neck.

Anyway - I've been chatting with Bill about animals' psychic ability and we reckon that Llamas are the most psychic. There was this one time that one of them got Bill under a spell - he was in a trance for hours. He doesn't remember exactly what happened but when he woke up there was three of them towering over him, he had lost three hours and his pockets were full of gravel. Spooky.

Right my lovelies - I'm off. Wish me luck with that bloody peacock - I'll snap its tiny, little, bleeding head off its body if it tries it again! I've got scratches all over me and it's the zoo keepers' ball coming up in a couple of weeks. Anyways - I'll see you soon

Barbara x

Joey Deacon

I was hanging out with the kangaroos this morning just listening to music and scratching when unexpectedly the Men At Work hit - Down Under came on the stereo. I don't know what came over me but I just started crying. I think it was the emotion of the lyrics - they're so deep and meaningful. It truly touched my soul. The kangaroos didn't seem very interested though but they're not particularly spiritual animals are they? Not like the goats or the pot bellied pigs down at the petting zoo. They're always connecting with each other and having a good old cry.

In an attempt to cheer them up I have knitted a little jumper for Joey - ooh it makes me giggle! I hope they like it. That reminds me of that joke - What do you get when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo? A woolly jumper! Ha ha ha ha ha!

That reminds me of something else too - isn't it funny how your brain works? I was driving to work this morning, doing a bit of knitting on the way, when this police car came along side me. The police man looked into the car and shouted PULL OVER! I shouted back - No! It's a cardigan! Ha ha ha ha ha ha! That was another joke. I'm right funny aren't I?

Toodle pip!

Babs x

A boring day...

Well my lovelies, it's been a bit of a boring day today. I was played poker with Bill this afternoon at the insect house - we used the Pea beetles as counters - I won. I lost a couple of the faster little buggers but there's plenty of them around so it doesn't really matter.
I did a bit of a clean up near the primate house and found Norman the tortoise still there from last time I saw him. Thought that was a bit weird. He's still twitching a bit but now he seems to be walking in very slow and very big circles. Still he seemed to be eating okay, he scoffed down a couple of chips he found on the ground just while I was there!
Good news! Melanie, the black tailed monkey, has turned up. She's a bit grumpy but we've got her back under lock and key and we've got the psychologist popping round tomorrow to visit her. He seems to think that all we need need do is get her to pop a couple of Valium and play her some calming music and she'll be right as rain. I'm going to dig out some old Sting records for her, that'll do the trick.
No more to tell today I don't think so I'll say TTFN

Barbara xx

An exciting day!

Well I don't think my boss is best pleased with me. He said that if I don't shape up then I will need to seriously consider my position here at the zoo. I'm not sure really what he means but all the time he was talking to me the vein on the side of his head was throbbing.

Anyway - that's by the by. I have exciting news! The science bods have finally found the growth gene for the african elephants and it should just be a matter of months before the first miniature elephant is born! We expect it to be about the size of a jack russell and if it's successful they want to try it with the giraffes! Just imagine taking tiny elephants and giraffes on a walk around the park on a lead! There's a competition amongst the staff to come up with a name for the first miniature elephant - I've suggested Dulcie. I'm quietly confident.

Another thing happened today. I was walking down towards the primate house to take some tools back to Dave and I kicked what I thought was a stone. It turns out that it was actually Norman - the tortoise. He went quite far. I went and picked him up from the under the bushes, put him the right way up again and let him go on his way. He seemed alright apart from a bit of a twitchy face. Anyway - don't tell the boss. I'll see you soon my lovelies.

B xx

A busy afternoon

Well let me tell you - it's been all go today at the zoo!

Chad the giraffe was introduced to our newest arrival - Chantelle - and as you can see they got off to a great start and seem to have bonded well.


Melanie the black tailed monkey has gone missing - I've hunted high and low and even scuffed my knees trying to get on top of the ladies toilet block when I thought I saw her scurry up there. Turns out that it was a dirty old pigeon so we got one of the groundsmen to shoot the thing down.
I'm just off now to meet with the head keeper - he's not very happy with me and wants to have a quick chat. Can't think what the matter is though.
Anyway - toodle-oo my lovelies, I'll come back to you later and let you know how it all went
Barbara x

Welcome

Hello everybody!
My name is Barbara McDouglas and I work at Slackpool Zoo.
I hope you will enjoy reading about my adventures with the animals.

I'll pop back soon with tales and piccies from the park.

Lots of love

Barbara xxx