Petrol and pizza

Toxic Terry is back! He was there last night hanging about outside the main gates as i was leaving. Fag in one hand and a plastic bottle half full of petrol in the other. I've not seen him for years! I thought he's killed himself the last time he set himself on fire. Why anyone would want to swig unleaded is beyond me and why he chooses to loiter outside the zoo is anybody's guess.

Anyway, I managed to sneak past him, get in my bubble car and whizz away quickly. He chased me though - I could see him in my rear view mirror! This morning he was asleep in the bushes near the gates so I managed to get in without much trouble.

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This morning has already been quite exciting. I was feeding the red pandas a bit of Domino's pizza that I found lying around in the staff room when one of the little critters did a really big burp and I swear to God he burped the word Barbara! I couldn't believe my ears! I tried to get him to do it again but alas - nothing, just a faint whiff of cheese and bamboo leaves.

Dancing birds.

Well the dance was a bit of a wash out. The only notable events were when Racist Julie started a fight with Anthea from the insect house and when I sat in a puddle of Baileys on the dance floor when we were doing Oops Upside Your Head and got a dirty great stain in my lilac hot pants.

The meerkat in my locker's starting to reek now. I'll have to get rid of it pretty soon before they start asking questions. For the time being it's in a Marks & Spencer bag and wrapped up in an old cardigan and every now and then I febreeze my locker but still - it's really not very nice.

A funny thing happened today - I was heading towards the elephant enclosure, I passed the Japanese gardens and went down the hill towards the flamingo lake where I noticed some of the birds acting strangely. They were all shuffling around in what appeared to be random directions but slowly as I watched them they formed a perfect straight line. A few seconds later they all started doing high kicks in perfect unison! It was like watching the Tiller Girls in action! I shouted to Vinnie who was picking up an old nappy from behind a bench nearby and he came running but by the time he got there they'd all dispersed again and he didn't see a thing! He says he thinks there's something wrong with me. That's not very nice is it?



Barbara

What a tangled web we weave...

I was in the giraffe house earlier on today filling up Chad and Chantelle's food. We put it in big string bags quite high up so they can graze naturally. Anyway as I turned round to grab another handful of hay from the wheelbarrow I felt this tugging on my head! I'd got my weave tangled up in the bloody feedbag!

Well I struggled for a bit but it just got more and more tangled and there was no one around to help me. Next thing I knew Chad was there poking me in the middle of the back with that big thing of his! I had to punch him in it to make him get off and he trotted off with a whelp! It was truly awful!

Eventually I managed to pull free from it but not without tearing out a big clump of my weave. I'll just have to comb it over till I can get it sorted. I bet Oprah never has these problems with her hair. The dance is in a couple of days as well! I must get it fixed by then - I think I'll treat myself to a pedicure too whilst I'm at the beauty shop.

A violent attack.

I was in the zoo cafe this afternoon having cottage pie and chips for me dinner - it was delicious with a few slices of beetroot and a dollop of gravy. It struck me, whilst eating, that the vinegar jug looked a little bit like a douche - except without the balloon bit on the end. Anyway after I'd finished I went for a quick stroll around the grounds whilst I had a ciggie and noticed a meerkat loose near the sealion pool. Before I knew it that bleeding penguin was making a bee line for it and launched itself directly at it! Anyway - long story short - I've now got a dead meerkat on my hands. Literally. I've got it in my locker. I panicked and instead of calling the vet I stuffed the thing in my body warmer and took it back to the staff room. I'm not sure how to deal with it now. I should have just told someone straight away but now it looks suss if I own up to it hours later. It's a bit of a worry.

Revenge

I was talking to Racist Julie who looks after the Camels at the zoo. She told me that she's been having an affair with Bob for the last six months. Well I'm not best pleased with this situation as Bob's missus is expecting their fourth baby in May and Julie's husband Arnie is lovely. I did promise not to tell anyone so I have to come up with some way of exacting my revenge on her. I've started by slipping a couple of pubes into her duffel coat pocket and I might try feeding the camels a laxative - see how she likes that!
That mental penguin is playing up again! I caught it playing chicken this morning. The silly bugger was legging it through the tiger enclosure screaming at the top of its voice. I thought it was just a bad choice of direction and it had taken a wrong turning but no... It kept going back and dashing through the enclosure time and time again getting closer to the tigers with each sprint! It's going to get itself snaffled up if it's not careful!

That's it my lovelies.

Babs xx

Trouble

Can you believe they're blaming Norman's death on me? Outrageous! They think I have brutalised him! All I did was kick him a little bit! Anyway - the buggers have given me a written warning and I have to take it on the chin (a bit like Norman) and move on (sadly not like Norman.)

One of the penguins is playing up now too. It keeps running headlong at the visitors screaming like a banshee! I tell you it's scary stuff. I think it's eaten something it shouldn't've done. It puts me in mind of Alanis Morissette on a bad day.

Anyhoo - must dash my lovelies

Barb x

Life and death

Do ghost-cats exist? What do you think? I've been discussing it in some depth with Anthea over at the insect house. We both think that they do and I think I've seen one. Last Wednesday evening I was in the kitchen making some marmite on toast for my tea when out of the corner of my eye I saw this lump on the floor and heard what I can only describe as a vibrating cat noise... Well I can tell you it freaked me out! I spun around to see what it was and there was nothing there... very spooky indeed! I shan't be eating marmite on toast in a hurry if that's the sort of things that it can summon up!

Tragic news my friends. Norman the tortoise has been found dead. He was lying in a ditch not far away from where I last saw him near the primate house. His little feet were sticking right up in the air and he's gone all boss-eyed. Nobody knows what happened but I suspect foul play! I reckon that peacock that had a go at me the other day has something to do with it but nobody wants to listen to me. Anyway they're going to check the CCTV records to see what happened immediately before his death.

In other zoo news it seems that Arnold the Orangutan has been hiding a secret. Arnold, it can be revealed, is up the duff and therefore we can only conclude that he has been hiding his ovaries from us all for the past four years. Sneaky bugger! Anyway - I suppose it's still good news.

Must get off now - I have to go and scrub up some puke which some school child kindly left for us outside the bat enclosure. Joy!

Bye for now my lovelies

Barbara x